I was going home after dropping my son off at school this morning, and something caught my eye when I was passing one of the school’s big windows. It was a cute child’s drawing of a pink shirt with the words “Pink day Bullying”. It was a cute gesture and made me think of all the bullying that had happened in my life. It was not a great trip down memory lane.
Over the years, I have learned to release the trauma and have acquired new ways to cope and forgive all the wrongs that were done to me. And all of a sudden, I realized one simple, but also enormous and devastating thing…

In the middle of my walk back, during this beautiful sunny morning, I have caught myself criticizing myself. And that was a moment of truth…

The sneakiest, most disguised, vicious, and unforgiving bully in my life, the one that has done the most profound damage to me is MYSELF! I have spent all those years stewing on memories and outcomes of past traumas that I have completely overlooked what is happening within me, now and always. Wow, this is one big realization!

We all have this voice in our heads that very often shows us how unworthy we are, how bad and unqualified, how unlovable and useless we are. Sound familiar? And interestingly enough, the reasoning, the main purpose of this voice in our heads is to protect us from being hurt. What do I mean by that?

A long time ago, people had to adapt and create certain mechanisms to survive. Presumable danger was behind every bush and tree. People always had to be on guard and expect the worst. The ones that were able to perform in this way survived and in time, these traits were deeply embedded into our DNA and consciousness.

Human babies, when born, are helpless and completely dependent on others for survival. They stay that way for many years to come. As an adaptive mechanism, certain patterns and behaviours have to be learned to survive. Our parents are moulding us into something. Most of the time, they have no clue how to be a parent or they parent based on what they have adopted from their own parents, and all of that is shifted through the prism of their protective shields. It is most likely that nobody taught them how to be a whole and self-sufficient person within themselves, full of self-love and acceptance that reflects into love and acceptance of their surrounding world.

So, to adapt when we are brought into an imperfect world, children have to develop a coping mechanism, which is: it is not the world that is imperfect, it is me who is not, it is I to blame for everything, etc. The child cannot face the truth of an imperfect world and imperfect adults around them to rely on. It is scary to live in a world where you cannot trust the people that your survival depends on. As a result, here we are.

We tend to teach our children that bullying is wrong and that you have to be nice to people. But it all comes back to that initial survival mechanism that we needed early on. We need to learn that there is another way when we become adults, and to not act from the long-outdated 5-year old point of view. We need to grow up, take responsibility and become whole adults who know their worth, who love and accept themselves, and in return, they can teach their children to be that way, because children are like little sponges who pick up everything from the adults around them. By doing so, we will be able to finally bring actual change and positive transformations. And it all starts with us, right here, right now!

Love,

Olga.

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