It is the middle of the pandemic and we are in lock down. I have been at home with all of my little kids for 4 months now. We are getting very restless and constantly playing with each other’s nerves. The noise and kids’ rivalry is becoming unbearable. Days are starting to blend together. It feels like there is just no end to it. Everything gets stalled and our previously normal routine was shattered like precious glass once COVID hit. My morale is going down. I have depressive thoughts, I scream at my kids and my husband, and I am short-fused. I do not feel well, both inside and outside. I just want to lay down in a quiet place and forget about all of this. But this never happens with everybody always at home…..

Today is garbage removal day. Although I had a few restless nights, I woke up early for some reason. I put myself together and readied myself to get up and do something. I really did not want to do anything, but who will do it for me? So, I got up and prepared myself for another ordinary day. It took me a while to get myself going. I really did not want to do anything. Finally, I was at the garage door with 2 recycling bins in my hands….

…And… something happened. The garage door opened… and I breathed in the cool, fresh, mesmerizing, early morning winter air. It was probably -15 degrees C outside, but everything seemed soo still and beautiful! Everything that was buzzing around in my mind went away and the only thing that was left was the moment of absolute peace and tranquility.

OMG! That is IT! That was my breaking point, from being down and miserable to this gulp of freshness energizing my life right now. I took a walk. I just relaxed and breathed all of this freshness into my lungs. I was enjoying being alone, the quiet of our sleeping town and my brisk walk. In the middle of this, I asked myself: what happened to me? What other things can I look at to get myself out of the constant feeling of hopelessness? And the answer was strong and revealing: “Olga, you have too much crap in your head! Look at what you think about every day and see what kind of thoughts they are.”

So, I have started to do just that. I spent the whole week catching myself thinking about something and then writing it all down. At the end of the week, I looked at everything and saw several horrible patterns in my thoughts.

1. I was beating myself up many times for something that had happened a long time ago.

2. I was nervous about future things that might or might not happen.

3. I was impatient and judgy towards my hubby and my kids, and on top of that, I was beating myself up for my inability to control them.

4. I was not happy about how I looked and felt and was wondering why I do not have compassion from my family towards me.

5. I was definitely unhappy and constantly pointing out all the reasons why to myself.

What a well-loved and well-nourished garbage bin full of negative thoughts I have in my head! I have concluded that I am, once again, heavily sabotaging myself. I am the one who is cranking up the dial of the negativity that I feel. I was definitely contributing to my stress levels. This revelation was not pleasant, to say the least. What should I do? I started to dig deeper and uncovered negative patterns that were at the root of my self-sabotage. I learned to deal with it in a very simple and practical way. I cannot even start to describe how amazing it feels to take control after a long battle with yourself!

To tell you the truth, I am not done yet. It is a process that takes time and effort. Life still happens and throws different challenges in your way, but I know now that I can deal with them in a proactive way. Now, it takes less time to bounce back from the chaos within myself to being calm and centered. What a relief!

I invite you to take a look at what is happening inside your head, find those unwanted garbage thoughts, emotions, and energies within yourself and take out this trash for good!

Love,

            Olga

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